31 Days of Organizing for a Better 2010: Improve Your Marriage

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31 Days of Organizing for a Better 2010: Improve Your Marriage

Join us all month for 31 Days of Organizing for a Better 2010!

Whether your marriage is struggling, surviving or thriving, there’s always room for improvement. It’s interesting that this is not actually a very popular resolution. Too many marriages stay stuck in a “good enough” rut without realizing that marriage can become more beautiful and more fulfilling the more you invest in it.

I love that Corey from Simple Marriage, a licensed counselor and marriage expert who by all accounts has a wonderful marriage, still sat down with his wife this year to discuss and make goals for their marriage in 2010. I think it illustrates perfectly that your marriage can continue to get better and better each year.

My husband and I have a good marriage. He continues to be my best friend, I love spending time with him more than anyone else and sometimes my heart still skips a beat when he walks into a room. But we always find that these first months after a baby take a toll on us. I’m exhausted from interrupted sleep and we’re learning to adjust to having another little one in the house. My goal for this year is to pursue finding our rhythm again rather than waiting for it to just show up as things settle down.

1. Set concrete goals.

Corey shares four questions in his post to help you set goals. I’d also encourage you to consider these areas:

:: the time you spend together

:: how you treat and talk to each other

:: areas of frequent conflict

:: how you can serve each other

:: the respect and love you show one another

If your spouse is on board, talk through and set goals together. If not, make some of your own. Your main goal, like mine, may be broad, but remember that it’s important to set measurable concrete goals as well that will help you move toward your overarching goal.

2. Focus on yourself.

Although you’ll ideally be talking through these goals and making them together, I’d also encourage you to focus on yourself. No, I don’t mean focus on what you want and what would make you happy! Focus on what you can do to improve your marriage. It’s a frustrating but true fact that we cannot change our spouses no matter how hard we try — and the harder we try, the more they may resist — but we can change our own behavior and attitudes, and that’s where real growth happens.

3. Make time together a priority.

No matter how hard you try, your marriage will only improve through time spent together (and for military spouses who are separated from their spouses due to deployments, I would say that letters, emails and phone calls count as time spent together…and thank you for your incredible sacrifice). I’m not a huge believer in “date nights” in the traditional sense. I don’t think you have to get a babysitter, leave the house or spend money to have quality time together; however, having time to connect is vital.

Look at your schedules and lifestyle and set aside a time to just talk, cuddle and spend time together. Maybe it’s in the morning over coffee and breakfast. Maybe it’s lying in your bed in the evenings, just talking and dreaming together. Maybe you have to carve out part of the afternoon when you can just sit on the couch and talk about your day while the children are engrossed in a project or video. When or how you spend time together isn’t nearly as important as simply being together and attentive to each other.

4. Find a couple to mentor you.

I know this is a hard one. We don’t have a couple to mentor us, but I would love to connect with someone in this way. Having someone who can give you perspective on your struggles and conflicts and encourage you to strive for a better marriage will keep you on track throughout the year. If your husband isn’t on board with the whole “improve your marriage” thing, consider finding an older woman who can encourage and mentor you in your role as a wife. Husbands, I would encourage you to do the same.

One caveat to this. Think about how your words affect your attitude. As you complain about something or someone, it grows and becomes more and more frustrating, but if you focus on and talk about the good aspects of that same person or thing, the frustration decreases. My mom taught me this principle by example. I never once heard her talk badly about my step-dad. Sure, we like to joke about his obsessive picture taking habits or tease him when he acts just like his dad, but never once have I ever hear her complain about him to a group of other women, even when everyone else was in the midst of husband bashing.

There is a difference in finding a confidant with whom you’re able to share your concerns, frustrations and fears and simply venting to anyone who will listen. Having someone who will encourage and challenge you is good for your marriage, but you must choose wisely because if you choose someone who will encourage your complaining and frustration, you’ll just become more frustrated.

5. Read books and blogs that will encourage you to grow.

No one’s marriage is perfect, and if you try to compare yours to an ideal, you’ll likely become frustrated and give up. But reading realistic stories of marriages that are thriving and how they’ve reached that point is another motivation to pursue a better marriage.  These may be blogs or books, but the important thing is to keep your eye on the prize and not just settle for the TV sitcom standard of marriage.

6. Realize that it’s a journey.

Setting out to improve your marriage is not as concrete as a lot of other resolutions. Although you can define concrete goals for making it happen, your marriage will always be a work in progress. Don’t expect perfection or think of conflict as a sign that your marriage is doomed. When you react to frustration or hurt in the wrong way, apologize and move on, doing your best to learn from the situation. When you realize you’ve stopped spending quality, focused time together, make plans to change it — and then stick to them. Marriage takes a lot of hard work, but it’s worth the effort!

Do you have any goals for your marriage in 2010? What concrete steps are you going to take to achieve them?

The 31 Days of Organizing for a Better 2010 series is sponsored by Get Organized Wizard.Restore order and harmony in your home with The Ultimate To-Do List Pack, Home & Family Edition.

About the Author

Mandi Ehman

Hi. My name is Mandi and I’m an organizing junkie. I’m also a wife, and Momma to four little girls (5, 3.5, 2 and a new baby!). I've worked at home since our oldest was a baby, and like a lot of other moms, my life is a constant balancing act of caring for my family and my home, meeting my obligations and finding time for hobbies in there somewhere. Oh, yeah, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m somewhat of a kitchen dunce and I only like to pretend that I’m crafty. Read more here!

20 Responses to “ 31 Days of Organizing for a Better 2010: Improve Your Marriage ”

  1. Thank you for the reminder. My husband and I had moved away from our weekly in home “date nights” and need to get back to that.
    Warm wishes.

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    You’re welcome, Tonya! It’s so easy to get into a rut and forget to be intentional in our marriages. At least it is for me!

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  2. my husband and i are working on spending more time together. we have 3 small children (4,3,2).our family grew so fast we spent so much time focused on them that we did not spend time on ourselves. we have decided now that they are all out of baby stage that it is time to return to us. we are both so excited about it. i think that people need to constantly work on marriage it is ever envolving and you have to grow with it.

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    Congratulations, Kathleen! I know how that is, and you do have to make extra effort not to just fall into bed exhausted at night but to carve out extra time for each other! Best of luck to you as you work to add that back into your schedule!

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  3. I think your most important piece of advice up there is…think of yourself. I am daily praying for God to show me how to be a better wife, a better partner for my husband. When there are problems, I look to myself and figure out what I can do differently instead of placing blame.

    As a Christian wife, I see myself as a servant to my family – an example of Christ to them.

    I also love that you mention that the traditional “get out of the house and spend money” date doesn’t have to occur to still have date night. In our 5 years of parenting we have never lived near family and have moved to 4 different states. This leaves us virtually babysitter-less! But we set aside one night a week as “date night” at home. The other 6 nights we spend together reading, watching a movie or talking. I think the daily connection has kept us close.

    I’ll throw one more thing out there….my favorite book on marriage is Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.
    Jill Foley´s last blog ..#119 – A Church My ComLuv Profile

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    I have not read that book, but I just downloaded a sample to my Kindle!

    Have you read Sacred Influence (http://bit.ly/8aZDLT)? I’m reading it now, and I think it might be the first lifechanging book I’ve read in a long time!

    I think you’re right about daily connection too. I love that my husband and I talk about the mundane things as well as the important things. It’s what keeps our friendship — and ultimately our marriage — strong!

    [Reply]

    Jill Foley Reply:

    Thanks for recommending that book…I’ve put it on my list. Did you notice there is another one (same author, same series) that came out a year earlier?
    Jill Foley´s last blog ..#121 – Note Worthy Bible My ComLuv Profile

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  4. Great post. I have a real heart for women and their marriages. Here’s my favorite book to recommend: http://bit.ly/6OnjsP
    Marla Taviano´s last blog ..twelve stinkin’ awesome years My ComLuv Profile

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    Thanks for sharing your book, Marla — I’ve downloaded a sample of it to my Kindle as well!

    [Reply]

  5. Great great great post. So important.

    I think for me, the big thing is to realize the marriage takes constant nourishment. As you say, you have to be very intentional about doing things to feed your marriage. My plan is to do one thing every day that will make my husband’s life easier. That “action” can be so powerful.
    Meredith from Penelope Loves Lists´s last blog ..The biggest time suck of my day or, why email haunts me My ComLuv Profile

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    “My plan is to do one thing every day that will make my husband’s life easier.” I love this, Meredith! What a great goal — I’d love to hear how it goes!

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  6. Hey Mandi!

    Great post!!! I found you thru Corey’s Blog – and I am excited to read the rest of the 31 days posts!! I am going back now to catch up.

    I really like your #4 – and I think it is very important. That is a goal for my wife and I this year as well. I heard it said by Steve Sjogren – hes a writer speaker and pastor – that we all should have “Mumuks”(MMCS) and “Lumuks” (LMCS)in our lives… ‘More Mature Couples’ and ‘Less Mature Couples…those who feed into us – those we feed into ourselves. The flow of constant giving and receiving will help keep our marriages healthy!
    Stu Gray´s last blog ..Spend 10,000 Hours Getting “Good” at Marriage My ComLuv Profile

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    Mumuks and Lumuks — I like that! Thanks for stopping by!

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  7. Excellent post, Mandi! I am also a big fan of the advice to find a mentor. A favorite mentoring relationship for us is a marriage retreat.

    My wife and I both attend and present at marriage retreats, and I can say with certainty than any couple stuck at “normal” will benefit from a great retreat. It provides you time to be a couple without distractions, and it allows you to step back together and look at the big picture. I have written numerous posts that were inspired by the impact that our first retreat had on our already good marriage.

    Let’s take our marriages from good enough to Extraordinary in 2010!
    Dustin | Engaged Marriage´s last blog ..Some Old Posts for the New Year My ComLuv Profile

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    We have not been on a marriage retreat (although we like to take little “retreats” away from real life just the two of us, but I know that’s not what you mean!), and it is something I’d definitely like to do soon…as soon as I don’t have a nursing baby because I’d like to be able to really focus and not worry about caring for a little one in the midst of it!

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  8. Mandi~ this is such an important topic and I’m so happy that such a well spoken articulate person such as yourself has taken the time to speak on it! I am all about personal development and believe that the future of marriage is mindful and making conscious choices that will decrease the divorce rates. The future is now and in 2010, couples can customize their relationship in a way that brings out the best in both of them. i work with engaged couples that want to beat the odds and actually like each other after 50-60 yrs of living together!

    Thanks again for the post! Kudos to you!

    Much love and success to you and your family in 2010!!

    [Reply]

  9. Another great post. Thanks for your advice. I actually had spending quality time with my husband as a goal for me this year. We don’t get many out-of-home date nights as I am still breastfeeding, but I love having a weekly home “date night”. Another big one for me is to focus on the physical side of our relationship. Chasing after little ones all day can make me too exhausted to serve my husband in this way, but I want to make it a priority.

    Thanks again.

    [Reply]

    Mandi Ehman Reply:

    Thanks for sharing your goals, Julie! I really think even just taking the time to put those into words is a great start and shows that you’re really thinking about it and invested in your marriage — can’t wait to hear how it goes!

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  10. Mandi, this is a great post. My marriage is wonderful but there is always room for growth. Thank you for posting this.
    Jackie @ Lilolu´s last blog ..Saratoga Needle Arts in Saratoga Springs, NY My ComLuv Profile

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  11. What a great post! Being a mother of 4 sometimes our marriage is the last thing we both pay attention to. Thanks for the wonderful tips!

    [Reply]

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